About three or so months into my new healthy eating routine though, I started to get annoyed and impatient with how slow it was going. I wanted to loose the weight quicker, I wanted to loose it now. A little thought popped into my head at that moment though, would it really hurt so much to skip just one meal? Of course we all know one meal didn't stay the plan. Eventually I got to a point where I was living on barely a handful of cereal, or if I was eating I was chewing it and spitting it back out, and eventually puking it back up. I became afraid of water, I didn't want to drink any fluids because fluid meant weight and that was unnecessary. I took my exercise to a whole new level, it became the main focus of my life and despite everything, I fought again the families protests that I was taking the diet to a whole new level.
It took me about 3 and a half years to realize they were right. I got sent home from university due to them noticing my weight decreasing. I was literally trying everything at that point, including donating blood which merely left me fainting once or twice which I have never done before. However, at that point I still didn't believe what everyone was telling. "charlotte your nothing but a bag of bones". In my head I was HUGE. I was an elephant that needed to be hidden from view and I was not worth it. I puked at least ten times a day if not more, and eventually my potassium levels decreased too dangerous levels. I ended up in hospital on a drip after a blood test that day had come back with low potassium levels and a panicked phone call to my mum telling her to get me to hospital ASAP.
Now you would have thought this would have been the kick up the backside. especially when I fainted and had a mini seizure that left me not being able to move or feel my hands and feet after the IV line was inserted. But the minute I was discharged I started again. I would pretend to take the tablets they gave me, and I would eat the one small meal but puke it back up. I just didn't care. I was referred to the eating disorder unit who simply told me I wasn't dangerous enough a weight to be taken in as an inpatient but they would put me on the waiting list for day patient which was over one year long. In my head somewhere it kicked up as being a new challenge to meet. I had to get skinnier.
I was admitted into hospital once more for low potassium and after that, doctors and nurses from the hospital contacted the eating disorder unit who took me in as in patient the weekend after I was discharged from hospital. I weighed a 101 pounds at this point and I still was not skinny enough. I kept telling everyone I just wasnt skinny enough to be in a place like that! Even though the other inpatients were telling me I was. I didnt want to believe it. I was shocked by the amount of food they were giving me and I feared it. the rules were strict but I still tried to play them by puking when I could.
Eventually though I decided to stick to there plans. I worked hard at it and slowly my weight increased. Of course I had my down moments where I didnt want to fight and I was constantly putting myself down. I always had a cusion that I would hold against my stomach to try and hide it as a much as possible. I was at the unit for three months, switching from inpatient to day patient half way through. I reached my target weight that they set me and in fact went over it. of course that just put utter fear in my head. they were making me fat, and how dare they!!! but I carried on none the less and of november 22nd, 2011 I was discharged fully.
Being at home was difficult and the last year was difficult. my weight continued to increase, making me more depressed that I started to self harm on a regular basis. I even cut the word fat into my arm at one point to remind myself how disgusting I had become. Im not sure when it happened but I seemed to stop stressing over it as much and just ate like a normal person. However now I want to loose weight, and I want to loose it the healthy way.
I am around 158 pounds now, and I am 5 ft 5.5 making me a little bit overweight. I dont go by the BMI system for many reasons and would respect you for respecting this. there are personal reasons why I don't follow it as well as sensible argumentive reasons that I dont. In truth I think its a load of poopie!!!! However, now I want to retrain my mind to loose weight the healthy way. I want to try and get to 120 pounds and know that I have done it right and be proud of myself. I dont want food to be the centre of attention in my life forever but I know that until I am happy with myself, I wont be happy with life. So I have to fight this and I have to learn.
This is partly why I am writing this blog, so that I can share my journey with you and encourage others who have perhaps been in a same posistion as me. Being a recovering anorexic and bulimic, hopping from one end of the scale to the other and back again is hard, but loosing weight and being in this position is even harder. this is my journey and it starts from...well tomorrow actually, but only because I am going out for a meal with my boyfriend tonight. I can do this and no matter what I have to believe in myself and know it takes time.
So, here is a picture of me now, lets see if I can make it change over the next year or however long it takes without putting myself in a place where I am ill, not healthy and not happy, because even at 6 stone 12, I wasn't happy!! I want to enjoy life now but I want to be healthy in doing so, which is why Im not waiting till new years, Im starting now. wont you start with me?
Ill shall share with you on this blog, recipies, exercise ideas and tips, emotional concepts and just anything and everything to do with my weight loss journey. Please feel free to share with me as well so we can help one another with our journeys
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