Lets have a catchup

Well I am down to 11 stone 1 / 11 stone 2 but I can not openly and honestly say that I have perhaps lost this in the most healthiest of ways. In a previous post I had already mentioned that I suffer from anorexia and bulimia and this is somewhat playing a main role in my life again at the moment, so although I am losing the weight I know could very easily put it all back on again if I went back to my healthy eating lifestyle. I know that I have lost some inches on my waist because I am now able to fit comfortably into a pair of size 14 smart black trousers. This is a nice factor for me because it makes me feel more comfortable in my own body and only drives me further to carry on with losing the weight. But I also know I need to get my head into gear.

I am planning on trying some of the new diet stuff that has become a popular hit in america at the moment. This being the javita coffee. I have discovered that the UK have now produced there own brand of the stuff and have located myself a distributor so hopefully will be ordering myself some next week. I have also identified a key area for me to work on now, my thighs. I think when exercising a lot of us actually forget that the thighs need a good work out and actually not a lot of people know how to tone them up, so this morning I did my own little bit of research and found some fun exercises to do. Most of them consist of lunges and weights but look like something I can do after my eight hour shift at work. I want some nice toned looking legs so need to start working on that.

The other area that I really want to work on is my tummy and the spare tire area, but I still have yet to find some exercises that are fun and yet work, for these areas but at least that gives me some things to research later on tonight. But what I really do is kick up on the eating. recently I have only been eating one meal a day or just small snacks throughout the day, as well as cutting down my fluid intake or purging when I do feel I have over eaten. as a result my face is a mass of red blotches and broken blood vessels and I am light headed quite often which means I need to get my blood tests redone to check the good old potassium levels and also get some multivitamins into my body to make up for what I am not having.

I know why my head is doing this and I know that a lot of people still believe I should not be focusing on the weight lost. But they also forget my illness shall be with me all my life, its not soemthing that will go away, its going to be a struggle at some point in my life no matter what. but I have to be strong...after all christmas is only around the corner and thats going to be a big fat struggle of its own. but I can do it right?

Measurements

So I am constantly told that we should not measure our weight loss by what the scales say and we should also go by measurements. So today I took my measurements. Now they are only rough estimations. Yes I did use a measuring tape but I did them by myself which means I could have done it wrong, but also could have been right. Bust measurement- 37 inches Waist- 32.5 inches Hips- 39 inches Thighs- 22.5 inches Seems pretty huge when I look at it now, but I know that its just something for me to work on and also by doing weekly measurements I will be able to see if there are any real changes going on, or whether I need to make some changes to my diet, and work out where I am going wrong. I am now taking my acai berry tablets so hopefully they will make some sort of difference and help to stop those cravings that we all have. I am now also realizing just how much I am moving around at work. I take roughly around 10,000 steps a day alone on an eight hour shift at my job which means I may make a little bit of muscle. But I do plan to put back in at least five lots of exercise during the week, whether it be a sprint walk, or a swim in the evening, or just doing my exercise video in the evening. Its easy to come up with the excuses, oh its been a long day at work, its too late now and Im tired anyway. Its just so easy, but I need to make those changes otherwise I really will get no where at all. Today I am having to do the whole dinner at lunch time thing because I am working 1.30 till 9.30 which means I will have to have a lunch at dinner time instead. Of course that makes things a lot harder, but its just something to work with especially when there is a chance that this could become a permanent thing and could mean working full time for a long time hopefully, fingers crossed and all that stuff. So for my dinner/lunch, I am going to have a vegetable omelette with a small handfull of chips. My mind is screaming at me, telling me thats not healthy, but I know that could just be the anorexic part of my mind who would rather have nothing at all or a stick of celery. I think thats what makes losing weight the hardest thing to do, because you have to decipher between the truth and the non truth and that is a very hard job to do, especially when my mind automatically tries to plan when I can skip a meal or when I can't. But it has to be a battle worth fighting right?

The journey so far

The last few days have been really hard what with having been away from home. This of course meant a lot of non home cooked meals, and a lot more of eating out in a resturant or cafe where the choices are pretty much limited, but I dont think I did too bad. The problem usually, when I go to a resturant, is that I automatically want to pick the same sort of thing. The fatty large cheese burger with the fries or the pizza or even the yummy lasagna or pasta dish they have. My mind thinks that just because I am at a resturant, it doesnt matter what I eat, the calories don't count because I am out for a meal, and I can relax. Yes this might very well be the case when your going out for a meal just once or twice every few months or so, for a special occasion or something, but this time it was certainly not the case. It was already bad enough that I wasnt really going to be able to do any exercise for the next few days so I needed to make sure that I ate as healthily as I could, and I think I managed to. I chose from the low calorie menus when I could, and when I didnt I got something that sounded farely healthy such as sausage and mash rather than the jam packed filled pie that I perhaps would have wanted, or the scampi and chips. I suppose the last few days really made me think about my actions and how what we eat really is all down to choice, especially when we are given a menu to look at. Perhaps its just a mere lack of control when we get there, or it is just the whole its only once sort, I can eat what I want for a change sort of speech. Yes, dont get me wrong, its nice to have a treat here and there, but I know if I hadnt of taken control with my meals then one bad one would have lead to another and I would merely end up back in the place where I started. So I didnt allow that to happen. Instead I had things like a low fat spaghetti oceana, sausage and mash, sushi or soup and a bread roll. More than anything I knew that eating a healthy meal was going to be better for my head, it would give me a better chance of not puking my guts up than it would of done had a I eatten what the hell I wanted. Now Im not going to say I had a purge free couple of days because that would be lying. I had one slip where I allowed my self the home cooked full english breakfast and then tried to purge it up. I was disapppointed in myself, yes, but it also left me feeling that little bit more comfortable with the day ahead. As for the caffine intake, I have done very well to try and consume only one cup of tea, coffee or hot chocolate a day. Even with the hot chocolate I find I am having the highlights 40 calorie stuff, or having the skinny coffee rather than the semi skinny coffee. Maybe this is because of the information I have gained since working at coffee republic, or maybe its just I have realized that water is in fact a friend of mine and not an enemy. I have been drinking lots of water, yes that means I am constantly needing the loo a lot at the moment, but I also feel a lot better for it. I feel that little bit more refreshed and not so clogged up or dependant on a hot drink. I feel like I can actually rely on my water. But I think my biggest element of surprise was the fact that I said no to a dessert, despite how much my head was screaming at me to have it. I wasn't really hungry anymore when it was offered to me and I knew that, instead I asked for a glass of water and found I was still satisfied as well. that for me really is a huge step because before it was all about the pudding and what I was going to have but decided against it. I have recented downloaded a nutracheck application and a pedometer application to help me on my kip fit and healthy track. The nutra check allows me to keep an eye on the calorie intake I am having whilst also giving me a rough idea of what I need, and how much I need of each thing. It shows me how much I need to burn in exercise in order to reach my weekly goal. And the pedometer, well that calculates the amount of steps I take, but also the speed I am walking at as well as the calories I have burned from doing so. Yes I know it will all be rough estimations but its helping to keep me on track and I am certainly not going to argue against that. Hope your all doing well. drop me a comment or something? let me know if you have a blog I can follow in return. Together we can motivate one another to do the right thing and to become the person that we want to be.

Day three

So the last few days have been nothing short of being a huge challenge. But I have so far lost a whole pound. Yes I know they say you should stay of the scales, but remember for four years the scales were simply my life and the importance of dictating my life laid in there batteries. Yesterday I worked a full eight hours which was tough and challenging. I've never had a full time job before, so its all a bit new to me, which means I loose my energy pretty quickly and that I am not use to the fact that my feet feel like they are about to fall off at the end of the day, hopefully by the end of next month I will be more use to it. But food wise yesterday I didn't do too bad, or well I ate what I needed to.

I had oatmeal with sweetener for breakfast which is always nice. I only ever use semi skimmed milk not that full fat stuff, so that made it healthy enough for me. For lunch I had a cookie and creams freezer with a nature bar thing, but I panicked and ended up bring that back up. Sometimes I do these things, where I have what I really want then look up the calorie content and then scare myself. That really is the hardest part of being a recovering anorexic and bulimic, is that numbers are important and keeping them to a certain level is even more important. A lot of people have pointed out that I probably shouldn't be on a diet until I have sorted out my head, but if I don't start now then whose to say I will start next year, or the year after that or ever. Its just something that I have to do in order to feel happy and confident with myself, and that means having to face a few high brick walls that need to be knocked down. Its a little harder a challenge for me than it may be for others. But I think and I believe I have the strength to do it.

Anyway, after my eight hour shift I was meant to be going for an indian with my boyfriend, perry and his friends. But I was absolutely 100% knackered. My feet ached so much, I stank of coffee and was filthy and sticky and I was tired. That and I then had to wait a full hour before I could even catch the train home meaning I had to sit in the cold. I seriously wasn't going to be in the mood for sitting and having a meal when all I wanted to really do was sit in a bath or curl up in bed. But unfortunately that turned into a huge row with my boyfriend, and having a row over text messages means that things get misread, that we take things to heart a little too much and then that just makes the case worse. So as a result I ended up going home tired. stressed and in tears. Not to mention I had already told mum that I was having dinner out, so had nothing to come home to.

I did have one of the left over pastries from work, as I kind of realized I hadnt really eaten much what with having puked up my lunch literally right after having eaten it so know that hardly any of it would have been absorbed into my system and that would have meant my mood was worse. So once I got home and had cried my eyes out to both my mum and step dad, I was forced to order myself a take away as there was pretty much nothing to cook up and I needed to have a dinner. So I went for a small scampi and chips. It actually wasn't too bad. It was quite small and I ate the salad on the side as well. I know it wasnt a healthy dinner, but when thats all you have, thats what you have to deal with.

Don't worry though, me and the boyfriend have apologized, via text this morning, and I think we are all good again. this was our first row and my mum said we should celebrate because that means we will be able to pull through together because we made up over the row. I love him alot and don't think he realized just how much sometimes.

I have another eight hour shift today, 11 till 7. I had a warmed up croissant for breakfast with a cup of tea, for lunch I intend to have my nature bar and water, and then whatever my mum cooks for dinner is what I shall have when I get home from work. I think its been easy for me to cut out the snacks whilst being at work. I use to snack on biscuits and have loads of cups of tea when at home sitting around, but whilst at work I am constantly on the move, busy serving people which means I dont have the time to think about food or if I need anything to eat. Its a hard journey but its one I am determined to meet.

I think the important thing is to remember that there are emotional concepts to a diet as well as physical and mental. its about working with a healthy mind and changing everything about the lifestyle. really the diet isnt about food at all, its about lifestyle and making it better and thats hard. especially when your use to living a certain way.

Day one

So last nights all you can eat Chinese buffet was really nice, but as you can imagine, its easier to eat so much without even realizing it, especially when the plates are small. But I was good I had two small platefuls of the stuff and even had the steamed and stir fried veg on my second plate. I feel guilty about it now, but I know its also realistic to allow ourselves to have a treat every now and then otherwise we are more likely to relapse and go back to old traits that leave us piling back on the pounds.

Today though is the beginning of the fresh new start and so far its going so well. I had a nature bar granola, honey and oats bar for breakfast and a pepperoni and cheese stick for a snack. That was roughly around 300 calories, as well as a cup of tea. I intend on drinking water for the remainder of the day which shouldn't be too hard. However working at a coffee shop where they do the hot chocolate combo and specialty of whipped cream marshmallows and the lot will possibly make it a hard calling temptation. But that's just something to fight.

For lunch I have one of those innocent Mexican pot meals, which is under 400 calories. On days like today where I work from 3pm till 9.30pm I have to readjust my meal plan, meaning that I need to have my main sort of heavy meal at lunch time rather than at dinner time. Of course I will also then need to make sure that I take in a salad of some sort with me to work so that I won't be tempted to eat the sandwiches or pastries that they offer. See, whoever told us work for us was healthy has clearly never worked in a cafe or fast food industry where there are always yummy tempting treats beckoning and calling at you to try them.

But like they also so, making a plan is the easiest way to ensure that you stay on track and that you don't have a blip that just leaves you feeling guilty. I think the hardest part for me is going to remember my water intake. Its common in my family to hold a lot of water, and of course that always leaves me in a bit of panic, but especially on a day like today where the only exercise I am really going to get is the walking back and fourth from the counter to the coffee machine and then home from the train station.

However I am going to keep a positive head on my shoulders. If I have the energy after I get home from work around 10:30pm, then I shall do a few sit ups and crunchers before heading to bed. Tone up exercise is absolutely 100% better than doing nothing at all. Its easier to make an excuse for not doing anything anyway and if I don't push myself then I just will not get anywhere at all and the only person I will have to blame is myself.

Starting the journey.

I have always struggled with my weight. When I was younger I use to eat my emotions. I was happy, yes, but appearance wise I was a little put down, for the simple fact I just couldn't wear the cool clothes the other kids were wearing. At my highest weight I was around 204 pounds. I was 18 years old when I decided to make a change on that. I remember the exact time it happened. It was like an epithany, where I woke up and said I want to be someone different, still me but a new me. I was doing good for a while with this as well. I cut out the chocolate, the biscuits and everything bad and I started to exercise. I seeked the motivation from my family and friends and in time I started to feel better about myself. If only it had stayed that way....

About three or so months into my new healthy eating routine though, I started to get annoyed and impatient with how slow it was going. I wanted to loose the weight quicker, I wanted to loose it now. A little thought popped into my head at that moment though, would it really hurt so much to skip just one meal? Of course we all know one meal didn't stay the plan. Eventually I got to a point where I was living on barely a handful of cereal, or if I was eating I was chewing it and spitting it back out, and eventually puking it back up. I became afraid of water, I didn't want to drink any fluids because fluid meant weight and that was unnecessary. I took my exercise to a whole new level, it became the main focus of my life and despite everything, I fought again the families protests that I was taking the diet to a whole new level.

It took me about 3 and a half years to realize they were right. I got sent home from university due to them noticing my weight decreasing. I was literally trying everything at that point, including donating blood which merely left me fainting once or twice which I have never done before. However, at that point I still didn't believe what everyone was telling. "charlotte your nothing but a bag of bones". In my head I was HUGE. I was an elephant that needed to be hidden from view and I was not worth it. I puked at least ten times a day if not more, and eventually my potassium levels decreased too dangerous levels. I ended up in hospital on a drip after a blood test that day had come back with low potassium levels and a panicked phone call to my mum telling her to get me to hospital ASAP.

Now you would have thought this would have been the kick up the backside. especially when I fainted and had a mini seizure that left me not being able to move or feel my hands and feet after the IV line was inserted. But the minute I was discharged I started again. I would pretend to take the tablets they gave me, and I would eat the one small meal but puke it back up. I just didn't care. I was referred to the eating disorder unit who simply told me I wasn't dangerous enough a weight to be taken in as an inpatient but they would put me on the waiting list for day patient which was over one year long. In my head somewhere it kicked up as being a new challenge to meet. I had to get skinnier.

I was admitted into hospital once more for low potassium and after that, doctors and nurses from the hospital contacted the eating disorder unit who took me in as in patient the weekend after I was discharged from hospital. I weighed a 101 pounds at this point and I still was not skinny enough. I kept telling everyone I just wasnt skinny enough to be in a place like that! Even though the other inpatients were telling me I was. I didnt want to believe it. I was shocked by the amount of food they were giving me and I feared it. the rules were strict but I still tried to play them by puking when I could.

Eventually though I decided to stick to there plans. I worked hard at it and slowly my weight increased. Of course I had my down moments where I didnt want to fight and I was constantly putting myself down. I always had a cusion that I would hold against my stomach to try and hide it as a much as possible. I was at the unit for three months, switching from inpatient to day patient half way through. I reached my target weight that they set me and in fact went over it. of course that just put utter fear in my head. they were making me fat, and how dare they!!! but I carried on none the less and of november 22nd, 2011 I was discharged fully.

Being at home was difficult and the last year was difficult. my weight continued to increase, making me more depressed that I started to self harm on a regular basis. I even cut the word fat into my arm at one point to remind myself how disgusting I had become. Im not sure when it happened but I seemed to stop stressing over it as much and just ate like a normal person. However now I want to loose weight, and I want to loose it the healthy way.

I am around 158 pounds now, and I am 5 ft 5.5 making me a little bit overweight. I dont go by the BMI system for many reasons and would respect you for respecting this. there are personal reasons why I don't follow it as well as sensible argumentive reasons that I dont. In truth I think its a load of poopie!!!! However, now I want to retrain my mind to loose weight the healthy way. I want to try and get to 120 pounds and know that I have done it right and be proud of myself. I dont want food to be the centre of attention in my life forever but I know that until I am happy with myself, I wont be happy with life. So I have to fight this and I have to learn.

This is partly why I am writing this blog, so that I can share my journey with you and encourage others who have perhaps been in a same posistion as me. Being a recovering anorexic  and bulimic, hopping from one end of the scale to the other and back again is hard, but loosing weight and being in this position is even harder. this is my journey and it starts from...well tomorrow actually, but only because I am going out for a meal with my boyfriend tonight. I can do this and no matter what I have to believe in myself and know it takes time.

So, here is a picture of me now, lets see if I can make it change over the next year or however long it takes without putting myself in a place where I am ill, not healthy and not happy, because even at 6 stone 12, I wasn't happy!! I want to enjoy life now but I want to be healthy in doing so, which is why Im not waiting till new years, Im starting now. wont you start with me?

Ill shall share with you on this blog, recipies, exercise ideas and tips, emotional concepts and just anything and everything to do with my weight loss journey. Please feel free to share with me as well so we can help one another with our journeys