Day three

So the last few days have been nothing short of being a huge challenge. But I have so far lost a whole pound. Yes I know they say you should stay of the scales, but remember for four years the scales were simply my life and the importance of dictating my life laid in there batteries. Yesterday I worked a full eight hours which was tough and challenging. I've never had a full time job before, so its all a bit new to me, which means I loose my energy pretty quickly and that I am not use to the fact that my feet feel like they are about to fall off at the end of the day, hopefully by the end of next month I will be more use to it. But food wise yesterday I didn't do too bad, or well I ate what I needed to.

I had oatmeal with sweetener for breakfast which is always nice. I only ever use semi skimmed milk not that full fat stuff, so that made it healthy enough for me. For lunch I had a cookie and creams freezer with a nature bar thing, but I panicked and ended up bring that back up. Sometimes I do these things, where I have what I really want then look up the calorie content and then scare myself. That really is the hardest part of being a recovering anorexic and bulimic, is that numbers are important and keeping them to a certain level is even more important. A lot of people have pointed out that I probably shouldn't be on a diet until I have sorted out my head, but if I don't start now then whose to say I will start next year, or the year after that or ever. Its just something that I have to do in order to feel happy and confident with myself, and that means having to face a few high brick walls that need to be knocked down. Its a little harder a challenge for me than it may be for others. But I think and I believe I have the strength to do it.

Anyway, after my eight hour shift I was meant to be going for an indian with my boyfriend, perry and his friends. But I was absolutely 100% knackered. My feet ached so much, I stank of coffee and was filthy and sticky and I was tired. That and I then had to wait a full hour before I could even catch the train home meaning I had to sit in the cold. I seriously wasn't going to be in the mood for sitting and having a meal when all I wanted to really do was sit in a bath or curl up in bed. But unfortunately that turned into a huge row with my boyfriend, and having a row over text messages means that things get misread, that we take things to heart a little too much and then that just makes the case worse. So as a result I ended up going home tired. stressed and in tears. Not to mention I had already told mum that I was having dinner out, so had nothing to come home to.

I did have one of the left over pastries from work, as I kind of realized I hadnt really eaten much what with having puked up my lunch literally right after having eaten it so know that hardly any of it would have been absorbed into my system and that would have meant my mood was worse. So once I got home and had cried my eyes out to both my mum and step dad, I was forced to order myself a take away as there was pretty much nothing to cook up and I needed to have a dinner. So I went for a small scampi and chips. It actually wasn't too bad. It was quite small and I ate the salad on the side as well. I know it wasnt a healthy dinner, but when thats all you have, thats what you have to deal with.

Don't worry though, me and the boyfriend have apologized, via text this morning, and I think we are all good again. this was our first row and my mum said we should celebrate because that means we will be able to pull through together because we made up over the row. I love him alot and don't think he realized just how much sometimes.

I have another eight hour shift today, 11 till 7. I had a warmed up croissant for breakfast with a cup of tea, for lunch I intend to have my nature bar and water, and then whatever my mum cooks for dinner is what I shall have when I get home from work. I think its been easy for me to cut out the snacks whilst being at work. I use to snack on biscuits and have loads of cups of tea when at home sitting around, but whilst at work I am constantly on the move, busy serving people which means I dont have the time to think about food or if I need anything to eat. Its a hard journey but its one I am determined to meet.

I think the important thing is to remember that there are emotional concepts to a diet as well as physical and mental. its about working with a healthy mind and changing everything about the lifestyle. really the diet isnt about food at all, its about lifestyle and making it better and thats hard. especially when your use to living a certain way.